I hope you are having a wonderful time visiting your children in Virginia. When you called tonight, you mentioned how relaxed I sounded. We both know it's your code for "I had a drink". A silly code because I don't drink alcohol very often. I have too much to do and too many demands - especially since you have entered my household. But when I do imbibe this past year, you suddenly become a self-righteous teetotaler.
So, yes, I didn't had a drink flowing through my system when you called. Instead, it was the first time in several weeks that you weren't here. In a way, you were correct. I was feeling very relaxed - no worries from listening to your situation, no Spanish inquisition about what I haven't done according to your agenda, no aggravation about my son's stay in MY home. I was able to concentrate on vital projects for my future (and perhaps ours). For the first time in a long while, I was ... happy.
This realization scared me. What if I tell you that you are no longer the soul mate that lovers need? Would you have become vindictive because of spurned affection? Would you then destroy my home that I have opened to you? Would I need to get a restraining order during the next time you are away?
Our lives shouldn't be this complicated. For a woman of 56 and two failed marriages under her belt, you know what I have to offer. Perhaps I'm the trusting fool that should not have let us reach this stage.
I don't know what to do at this moment. I do know that love doesn't exist when fear abounds.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Love of Post-it Notes
Until a few years ago, you would surprise me with Post-it notes of your love and admiration placed on the bathroom mirror, on my pillow, sometimes in my lunch. The sight of your passionate messages always made my day.
All of that is in the past now. Lately you've only left messages when you want something done, or not done.
"Please don’t put the milk in the top shelf." I understand. I certainly don't want the milk to be upset and pout because it didn't get top position in the refrigerator. But if we give milk its way all of the time, won't it get spoiled?
"Please leave the TV on for the cat." Yes, of course. When your cat awakes after spending most of its day in the other side the house away from the TV, we certainly don't want her to miss the melodrama of the daily soap operas. I guess she doesn't get enough from when we are at home.
Out of curiosity, I left a note reminding everyone to take off their shoes at the door. For almost 10 years, you thought this guideline was a great way to keep the house little cleaner for us and for company. Yet during the past few months, you decided to not respect this little wish. So I left my little note to see what would happen. As I expected, you became incensed when you found my written words. How dare I do such a thing as tacked up a gentle request!
I see where this relationship is going. It's as though your sticky notes of love have lost their adhesion to my heart. Your continual claims of love are becoming more like empty sounds as your actions do less and less to prove your words. Here's note: while you're playing on the computer, start looking for an apartment - try zillow.com instead farmville.
All of that is in the past now. Lately you've only left messages when you want something done, or not done.
"Please don’t put the milk in the top shelf." I understand. I certainly don't want the milk to be upset and pout because it didn't get top position in the refrigerator. But if we give milk its way all of the time, won't it get spoiled?
"Please leave the TV on for the cat." Yes, of course. When your cat awakes after spending most of its day in the other side the house away from the TV, we certainly don't want her to miss the melodrama of the daily soap operas. I guess she doesn't get enough from when we are at home.
Out of curiosity, I left a note reminding everyone to take off their shoes at the door. For almost 10 years, you thought this guideline was a great way to keep the house little cleaner for us and for company. Yet during the past few months, you decided to not respect this little wish. So I left my little note to see what would happen. As I expected, you became incensed when you found my written words. How dare I do such a thing as tacked up a gentle request!
I see where this relationship is going. It's as though your sticky notes of love have lost their adhesion to my heart. Your continual claims of love are becoming more like empty sounds as your actions do less and less to prove your words. Here's note: while you're playing on the computer, start looking for an apartment - try zillow.com instead farmville.
love and stupid postings
I quietly get up at 5 am and do everything I can to keep your sleep undisturbed. Yet, in the evening, you complain that I don't stay up long enough. You want me to sit by your side as you play Farmville and chat with people until 2 in the morning. I'm sorry. 12 hour days at work are a tad tiring. Still, I try to make you happy.
And then, I saw your Facebook post this morning, "I need a hug."
I'm sorry that I've been more prone to sleep than to listening to your daily rants. These past few days have been especially draining on me. But a supportive spouse would recognize that.
The only reason that I'm writing this is because I am becoming a little tiresome of your childish demands. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to earn money to pay my bills - and your bills while you remain unemployed.
And then, I saw your Facebook post this morning, "I need a hug."
I'm sorry that I've been more prone to sleep than to listening to your daily rants. These past few days have been especially draining on me. But a supportive spouse would recognize that.
The only reason that I'm writing this is because I am becoming a little tiresome of your childish demands. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to earn money to pay my bills - and your bills while you remain unemployed.
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